I haven't written in this thing in so long...but I love keeping it for those times when I just need to spill my soul without the huge embarassment. Anyways, I just went up and visited my dad and his family for the last three days. It was nice catching up with them since I rarely see them. I hardly see my Dad since he moved away for his job and it breaks my heart because I miss him so much and both of our lives are so incredibly busy all of the time. I always feel like he puts his work ahead of me and I know he is just trying to make a living and pay the bills but at the same time its very sad when you feel like you are always having to be put behind a job.
Anyways, I finally saw him and the family and I just had this huge realization. Life is so amazingly flawed. When I was a kid I thought his side of the family was rock-hard...so put together and bonded through the good and the bad. Now that I'm older and finally starting to see I realize how broken our family truly is. My father barely takes care of himself because he is always working...he smokes a pack of cigarettes a day and he already has heart and breathing problems. My grandparents are constantly fighting and never show any type of affection for each other...in my entire life I've only seen them kiss once. My grandmother can't even breathe on her own because of her excessive smoking and that light that always came from her when I was younger is now gone forever. She rarely smiles and basically sits there staring out the window...I have no idea what she sees. My aunt and my cousin argue constantly and my cousin's little girl is probably the lonliest girl you will ever meet in your life because she lives with adults who only get along to make it through the day. My great-grandmother sits without emotion because she is not well and I'm assuming doesn't really know how to handle certain situations. And basically every single family member that I mentioned is not in good health at all...(All of this is in the same house...)
Last night I just cried...I cried for them...I cried for the childhood I long to visit again. I just wish I could go back and live every single minute of magic that I might have took forgranted when I was younger. I long for that feeling of complete happiness and excitement near the Christmas tree, I long for that feeling of complete solidarity when I am at my grandparents house, I long for my grandmother to smile and laugh with me like she used to, I long for my dad to live back here in the same city so I could see him for more than a couple of hours before he jets off to work again. I guess I long for a lot of things... I guess the one thing I learned and can only teach my children is that life only gets harder as you get older and to always value those childhood years because nothing can never replace them. A childhood is such a beautiful thing...its something you only live once in your lifetime. I miss it.